


Even Good Men Can Live In Darkness

by Illusinia



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Discussions of abuse, F/M, POV of an abuse victim with self depreciating thoughts, Skyeward is more of a complicated emotional state than a ship, beginnings of the ship revival
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-18 23:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2365775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illusinia/pseuds/Illusinia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye and Trip discuss Ward. Trip shares some things that shock Skye and make her question everything she's thought about Ward up until now.</p><p>Note: Skyeward and Trimmons are more concepts than physical ships. There's not any cuddling or physical contact but it's discussed and heavily implied.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know, I really wanted to do a fic like this. Please don't kill me.

The monitor flickered a bit as Skye stared at it, watching the man portrayed there. She was mad at him, so mad. So incredibly mad. And it wasn't like she didn't have a good reason to be; he'd lied to them all. Betrayed everyone. She shouldn't even be watching him on this monitor; they had people who did this for them.

 

But she couldn't get Trip's words from earlier out of her head. _Trip._ God, what was she going to do about him? He claimed to have gone to Coulson and told him everything, but she wasn't sure she believed that. But then again, would he have really told her what he had if he hadn't talked with Coulson already? Would he really risk being locked up like Ward just to try to earn the man some sympathy?

 

She'd thought it was all a lie at first. Trip was too good a guy to have ever been even remotely associated with Hydra. But the more he'd told her, the more she'd realized he wasn't just spinning some story to get her to talk with Ward; he was actually confessing.

 

\----------------------------

 

_The rhythmic striking of her fists against the punching bag didn't do much to alleviate Skye's frustration. She couldn't believe Coulson had made her go see him just to get information. She didn't want to see Ward, if only in part because she had a very hard time keeping an indifferent attitude when it came to him._

 

_She'd stopped Deathlok from killing him for several reasons, but one of them had been because part of her cared for him. It was a part she constantly fought against because she knew she couldn't trust him. But she knew all the same that she would be hard pressed not to fall for any more of his lies. Part of her still wanted to trust and believe him, regardless of what he'd done. That was the part she was currently trying to beat into submission via physical exertion._

 

“ _You know, that poor punching bag does need a break now and then.” Trip's voice cut through the room, burying the sound of her harsh breathing in that moment just before he reached out and stopped the bag from swinging. Skye dropped her fists and stepped back once he'd stopped it, glancing down at her stiff hands. Red was blooming across several of her knuckles; evidence oft eh hard workout she'd forced her body through._

 

_Trip didn't even slow down as he moved around the bag to lead her back to the bench in the room. His fingers nimbly unwrapped the boxing tape, carefully cradling her hand as he did so. It was like he was afraid her hand would fall apart. May pushed her harder than she pushed herself_ and _the sonic agent left bruises to boot. She tried to pull her hands back, shoo Trip away, but only succeeded in him giving her the 'we can do this the easy or hard way' look. So she settle din and prepared for him to do whatever work he needed to as a medic._

 

“ _You shouldn’t punch the bag that hard,” chided Trip calmly, shooting Skye a look. “We have missions we go on still, and having you benched because of a broken hand would be kinda sad.”_

 

“ _Sad for who, you or me?” asked Skye dryly, trying not to roll her eyes. It wasn't that they would miss her, it was more that they were majorly understaffed at the moment and couldn't afford to loose anyone._

 

“ _Me,” replied Trip easily, checking her fists for signs of damage. “I'd miss that dry, sarcastic wit of yours.” That did make Skye laugh a little, but no where near what she normally wold have after a joke like that. “So tell me, what has you going after that punching bag like you stuffed every problem you have in there. Wait a minute,” he paused to point at the bag in question. “You didn't stuff someone in there, did you?”_

 

_Skye huffed slightly, throwing in one more good punch at the bag. “It would serve him right if I did.”_

 

_Trip nodded slowly, reaching out to catch Skye's fist before it could hit the bag again and leading her over to sit down on the mats. “It's about Ward then.”_

 

_She tried to scoff, but it sounded halfhearted even to her. “No, not at all. I don't even think about him anymore.”_

 

“ _And that would be a bold faced lie,” stated Trip simply settling beside her. He stared at her for a long moment before releasing a heavy sigh. “I go down and see him, you know. Frequently. And you're all he asks about.”_

 

“ _What?!” choked Skye, staring at Trip in horror. She couldn't believe anyone would go down there to visit with Ward. The man was a psychopath. What possible reason could Trip have for visiting him?_

 

_The uneasy look that crossed his face made Skye want to run out of the room. That look didn't belong on Trip; it was the look of someone who was about to tell someone else something horrible. It was fear of rejection and consequence. Still, Trip didn't get up and leave. “It's not all Ward's fault, Skye. Garrett messed him up pretty badly.”_

 

“ _Please don't tell me you actually feel sorry for him, Trip,” pleaded Skye, shaking her head a little. “He betrayed us. All of us.”_

 

“ _I know,” sighed Trip, gulping a little. Skye felt herself tense worse. Whatever was going through Trip's head, it was bad. “It's not completely his fault, though. Garrett messed him up pretty bad.”_

 

“ _That's no excuse, Trip,” argued Skye, reaching back to violently yank her hair from it's ponytail. “He had a choice and he chose to betray us.”_

 

“ _It's not that simple though, Skye,” explained Trip, shaking his head a bit. “Garrett was Garrett. He had a way of doing things that just made you want to do what he said. And he didn't really give you a choice even if you didn't want to.”_

 

“ _Except he wasn't with Garrett for the those 6 months he was on the team,” snapped Skye, her irritation bubbling over. Why was Trip being this pushy about it? He should feel as betrayed as they all did! Garrett had turned his back on SHIELD just like Ward had turned his back on them. Trip had to feel some sense of betrayal from that.”He was with us. He bonded with us. He pretended to get along with us so when Hydra came along we wouldn't see him shoving a knife in our backs!”_

 

_Trip sighed heavily, leaning his head back against the wall with a soft thump. “I'm pretty sure Ward didn't want to betray you guys. And he sure as hell wasn't really Hydra, that much I know. He was playing along with it, like Garrett supposedly was. He never intended to actually follow them through.”_

 

“ _Yeah, I'm sure he told you that,” growled Skye darkly, her memories of Ward's own lies when he'd held her on the bus all too sharp. “But Ward lies.”_

 

“ _He's never hurt you physically, right Skye?” countered Trip, a knowing tone to his voice. Skye balked a little at that. Okay, he had a point there; Ward had betrayed them, hurt her emotionally, but he'd never physically laid a hand on her._

 

_Still... “He's threatened me.”_

 

_Trip fell silent for a long moment, almost like he was carefully choosing his next words. If he was though, he failed at careful word choice 101. “He wouldn't hurt you. You're the one good thing that's come to him in his life. You're something he can move towards and hold on to that'll help drag him out of the darkness.”_

 

_Skye felt her eye twitch. God, she was so sick of hearing that. She wasn't anyone's salvation or light or any of that. Truthfully, she was as messed up as Ward in some ways. She couldn't be some beacon he could move towards. It was all a lie he'd concocted to try to get her under his thumb. “That's bullshit. Ward's a psychopath, that darkness is a part of him.”_

 

“ _No,” snapped Trip firmly, his tone turning hard for the first time in their conversation. “No, he's not. Ward's gotten a shit hand in life, worse that any else I've known. If Garrett went after him, Ward already had to be in a pretty bad place. He prayed on the people who were in trouble to begin with.”_

 

“ _Yeah?” growled Skye, her hostility turning on Trip. How could he sit there and pretend like he knew so much about Ward? Whatever he'd been told was probably a blatant lie, anyway. “And how do you know so much about it, anyway?”_

 

_For a long moment, Trip didn't speak. He just sat silently beside her, eyes distant as he had some kind of a debate with himself. It took so long for him to speak, Skye almost got up and left. “Skye, I'm gonna tell you something personal right now, okay? I've only told Coulson, so you'll be the second person on this team to learn this. What I'm gonna tell you is gonna be shocking, but you've gotta hear me out. Deal?”_

 

_Skye paused a moment herself before nodding slowly in agreement, taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm her nerves. This couldn't be good, whatever it was Trip was going to tell her. The other agent_ never _looked this nervous and his warning was almost too ominous. But he was her friend (or at least she thought he was; between Miles and Ward, it wasn't exactly getting easier for her to trust people) and whatever he wanted to tell her sounded like something he considered important. She could put on her Rising Tide attitude and hear him out at least. “Alright, no judgment and no interruptions.”_

 

“ _Right,” stated Trip, shifting a little uncomfortably. Of course, that was only serving to make Skye more uncomfortable, but she held her tongue all the same. Whatever Trip wanted to tell her, he'd already told Coulson and the man had deemed him not a threat. She had to trust Coulson's perspective on the matter._

 

_He opened his mouth a few times, but no sound came out. Skye just forced herself to stay still. She remembered how hard it was for some people to start telling their story; mentally she reminded herself to be patient. It had been so long since she'd used this mode- her fact seeking side that wanted only the truth- that she nearly squirmed waiting for Trip to speak. It was only through great force she didn't start fidgeting._

 

“ _Garrett always went after the kids who already had it rough,” began Trip slowly, his voice low. It was almost like he was afraid someone would overhear what he was saying. And that scared her more than anything else had so far. “He chose kids who were beaten by their parents, who felt abandoned and helpless. Juvie was his favorite hunting ground. He'd look at the kids going in and he'd choose ones that had something special about them: off-the-charts hand-eye coordination, abnormal flexibility...” His voice trailed off for a moment, eyes finally rising to meet Skye's. “...the grandson of a Howling Commando.”_

 

_Skye felt her blood run cold, eyes locked with Trip in the hopes he was referring to someone else. Anyone else. Another grandson of a different Howling Commando. But the haunted look in her eyes said her hopes were baseless and false. “Trip-”_

 

“ _Hang on, girl, let me finish,” soothed Trip as best he could, his voice tight and worried. Forcefully, she bit her lip to silence herself. He'd ask that she let him explain, so she would. There had to be a good explanation; Trip was too good a man to be one of Garrett's lackeys._

 

_Taking a deep breath, he returned his gaze to the floor, though his hand sought hers for support. She didn't even think about it as she took his hand, wrapping her fingers around his own. “He would pick us up from whatever trouble we were in, made us disappear somehow, and dumped us in the middle of the woods with nothing. No gear, no supplies. He left us there and expected us to survive on our own.” He paused to take another deep breath and Skye knew Trip's eyes were probably shut. “He left me alone for four months with nothing but the clothes I'd thrown in a bag when I ran with him.” Again, Trip paused, taking another deep breath. “He left Ward out there for six months. He was out there so long, he built a cabin for shelter.”_

 

_Skye's heart twisted uncomfortably as she absorbed Trip's words. Garrett had left Trip alone in the woods for four months and Ward for six. He'd abandoned them with nothing. “How did he expect you to survive?”_

 

“ _He didn't,” admitted Trip quietly, eyes still turned to the ground. “When he showed back up four months later, he told me he'd expected me to be long gone. I asked Ward, he said the same thing to him. Garrett just left us out there to see if we could survive. If we failed, we weren't worth his time. If we survived, we were.”_

 

_A lump was forming in Skye's throat. If what Trip was saying was true, it explained some things about Ward. Explained his difficulty working with others, maybe even his badly arrested social skills. But six months alone wouldn't do that and Trip had only been there for four. “What happened after that?”_

 

_Trip shifted a bit, his fingers tightening on hers. “When Garrett came back for me, he brought a gun. Said he was going to teach me to shoot. He said I had it easier because the guy before me had already built a cabin. I could live there, go to school, and as long as I did whatever he said, he'd make me into a man.” His fingers tightened to the point where Skye thought she might loose feeling in her fingers, but she didn't make him let go. “He promised I'd be strong; strong enough to stand up to anyone who tried to mess with me again.”_

 

_Skye couldn't help it. She'd promised he could explain himself, but she had to ask one question, otherwise she wasn't sure she could get through the rest of his story. “Did he made that promise to Ward?”  
_

“ _Yeah,” confirmed Trip quietly. “He promised us both that. Ward was the first kid he brought in that survived. I was the second. Pretty sure we're the only two to made it.” Again, he paused to take a breath. Skye could hear the stress in his voice. “He talked us both into following him, joining Hydra. It was a load of bullshit. Garrett was dying; he needed Hydra to find a way to save him. So we went along with it, pretended to believe that load of shit they were spouting off.”_

 

“ _I don't understand,” murmured Skye softly, shaking her head slowly. Well, she sort of did. She'd been a kid like Ward and, apparently, Trip. She'd wanted love, wanted to be strong so she could fight her own battles. But unlike them, because she'd grown up alone, she was able to just walk away and become someone else. They couldn't do that, which had made both men perfect targets for Garrett. But if they had both agreed to at least pretend to go along with Hydra's plan, why hadn't Trip left like Ward did? Was it because he got stuck? There had to be ways he could have left, joined back up with Garrett. He wasn't feeding the man information either; they'd taken Garrett down too easily for there to be a mole in their presence. Plus, she doubted he would be telling her any of this if he was still working with Hydra. “If you were with Garrett, then why are you still here?”_

 

“ _I changed my mind,” admitted Trip quietly, finally lifting his gaze from the floor. He still wasn't looking at Skye; now he was focused on some distant point on the wall. “Ward and I? We thought to be strong we had to stay in the shadows, hover in darkness. Keep our distance from everyone, trust no one.” For the first time since their conversation started, Trip looked directly at Skye. “You're Ward's light Skye, and Simmons is mine. I changed my mind about defecting with Hydra because of Simmons. Because she reminded me that I could be a human and that strength wasn't measured just in strength. When she looked to me to protect her, I- I just wanted to keep her safe. I couldn't explain why, but it was the most human I'd felt in forever and I wanted to keep feeling that way.”_

 

“ _So you stayed,” whispered Skye with a slow nod. “It's why you practically begged Simmons not to leave. And why you half-begged Coulson to let you go with her.” She remembered all too well the day Simmons had told them she was leaving and the days following. Trip had been moping around the base for almost a week afterwords. Then he'd gotten a call and it had snapped him out of it at least a little bit. “Does she call you once a week?”_

 

“ _At least,” admitted Trip quietly, his hand squeezing Skye's once more. “Look Skye, I stayed because of Simmons. I had the perfect chance and the perfect cover.”_

 

“ _So did Ward,” reminded Skye. She could hear the bitterness in her own tone, but ignored it. There wasn't really a point in denying the fact that it hurt that Ward hadn't stayed for her. “He could have stayed. He didn't have to get on that plane with Garrett.”_

 

“ _Yes,” countered Trip, “in some ways, he did. Garrett had a way of making us feel like we owed him something when we didn't. He only had me for eight years and during most of that time I wasn't alone with him, not completely. I actually spent a good chunk of that time in SHIELD. Admittedly, I was training under him, but I was still in SHIELD. But Garrett had Ward for fifteen years, and at least five of those were spent with Ward isolated in the woods. That's a lot of time for a crazy narcissist like Garrett to have access to someone as broken as Ward.”_

 

_Skye shook her head slowly, trying to absorb everything Trip was telling her. Garrett had isolated Ward for five years in the woods? And Ward had been under his thumb for fifteen years? “But I don't get how Garrett could have wormed his way into Ward's head so thoroughly unless Ward already agreed with the principles Garrett was spewing.”_

 

“ _Garrett isolated us, Skye,” explained Trip quietly, his eyes focused back across the room. “He made us depend on him for human contact. For training and survival. He was like a twisted version of a dad for us.”_

 

“ _But you still got away,” pointed out Skye again. “You walked away. He could have done the same.”_

 

_Trip shook his head a bit, disagreement clearly written on his face. “Except for one thing: I was never as entranced by Garrett as Ward was. For the first few years, Garrrett isolated me just like he did Ward, but I wasn't as beaten down as Ward when he found me. My home life was bad, but Ward's was hellish by comparison. There weren't others around for me to feel responsible for; Ward had two younger siblings he wanted to protect above all else and a true psychopath for an older brother. He carried a lot of weight on his shoulders and he was a little younger when Garrett literally saved him from a trial that would have probably landed him in prison for at least a few years if not half his life.” He leaned forward a little then, catching Skye's eyes once more. “Look, what Ward did was bad and I'm not condoning it. All I'm saying is that it's not as straight forward as it seems.”_

 

_Slowly nodding, Skye released Trip's hand and reached up to rub at her eyes. This whole conversation was giving her a headache. Ward was an abuse victim Garrett had somehow twisted into his puppet and Trip was the same way, but unlike Ward, Trip had decided to stay with the team. It was almost panic inducing- the fact she'd been working so closely with a man who was nearly a Hydra traitor for so many months and not known. Why Coulson hadn't told her, she couldn't begin to guess. Why he hadn't sent Trip packing was an equally good question. She did wonder if this was part of why he'd agreed to Simmons request though: keep her somewhere far away and out of sight and maybe he could control Trip? No, that wasn't Coulson's style. He wouldn't use Simmons like that._

 

“ _Why are you telling me all of this?” asked Skye at last, her eyes meeting and holding Trip's gaze. “I get why you don't want other people to know all of this, but why tell me?”_

 

_Trip just gave her a sad half-smile and stood, leaning over to give her a one-armed hug. “Because you deserve to know the truth. From what Ward says, it's what you came to SHIELD hunting and it's what I want you to know. I get it if you don't believe a word I just said and I'm not gonna assume this information won't change things, but ask Coulson and he'll confirm my story. Everything I just told you about Ward and Garret and I is the truth. How you use that information, if you use it, is up to you.”_

 

_Standing, Trip took a deep breath and stretched out his back slowly, eyes focusing across the room again. His tone, when he spoke again, was almost conversational- like he hadn't just thrown Skye's entire world into chaos. “I'm thinking of telling Simmons. Even if she never wants to speak to me again, at least I'm not keeping that secret from her.”_

 

“ _It would be a good idea,” confirmed Skye quietly, her mind feeling momentarily shattered. “It hurts worse to find out from someone else, and Simmons will find out.”_

 

“ _I know,” assured Trip softly. “I'm pretty sure she already suspects there was something off before. She's just never said anything.”_

 

“ _Yeah,” muttered Skye, standing as well and heading for the gym door. “Talk to her. I'm gonna go...I don't know.”_

 

“ _Do what you gotta, Skye,” stated Trip calmly as he approached the bag she'd been using before. “And talk to Coulson. It'll help.”_

 

_She just nodded as she exited, mind in chaos._

 

_\-----------------------------------_

 

Trip had told her a lot, but there was more he hadn't told her and she knew it. There were a lot of lines to read between and some things were just too painful to discuss. But she was good at reading between the lines and seeing what people were trying to hide. She'd joked it was her superpower before she'd discovered her skills with computer.

 

Watching Ward pace back and forth in his cell, she tried to match the man before her with the image Trip had painted. Coulson had confirmed some of his story and Skye had managed to confirm the rest. Ward's records were spotless, but they were that suspicious spotless that meant someone (who wasn't her) and cleansed the records long ago. She might have deleted everyone's public records, but she'd skimmed everything before deleting it, too. It was habit. And at the time, she hadn't found anything connected with Ward that even hinted at the abuse Trip had described. Given Trip had been spending a lot of time with Ward (more than Skye had been), he was the one who'd know if there was stuff out there that wasn't documented. And if Ward was as badly abused as Trip had stated, it probably wasn't documented anywhere. Which was exactly what Skye was here to figure out. The worst abuse cases rarely were documented. Some people thought the grotesque abuse cases were the worst, but it was the ones that went on and on without being discovered that were actually the worst. At least, to Skye they were.

 

Taking a deep breath, she picked up the small device used to control the laser wall and moved through the door to the vault. She probably wasn't ready for this, but she wasn't sure she ever would be either. And if you're never gonna be ready, you might as well do it sooner and get it over with. Besides, she owed it to Trip at least to try and confirm what he said. Ward had betrayed them but Trip made a different choice. He was still on their side and maybe, with Garrett dead, Ward was, too.

 

“Skye.” Ward's breathy voice cut through the room, his wide brown eyes staring at her like she was some kind of angel.

 

It wasn't really any different from when she'd last been down there: he still looked like he'd been through hell and looked at her like she was his saving grace. She still felt the sharp urge to gather him up and just hug him. Even if he was a traitor, part of her still wanted to protect him from himself, like she had in the Hub and Providence.

 

“Ward.” Her voice cracked as she said his name, mind already shouting objections as she approached his cell. This time though, she walked right up to the lasers and didn't look away from him. These were going to be hard questions to ask and the answers would probably be harder to hear, but she needed to ask all the same. She needed to know the truth. “I think we need to talk.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember, Antoine = Trip.

Clanking metal filled the gym, echoing in time with every punch Antoine threw. It was soothing in some ways, the repetitive motion and familiar weight. Like a rhythm he could move with. The repetitive sound calmed his mind, helping his thoughts settle.

 

His conversation with Skye had gone better than he'd assumed it would; that didn't mean he hadn't just lost her trust, but at least she didn't run screaming to Coulson. He was telling the truth when he said Coulson knew- he'd told the agent-turned-director before Garrett was even dead. But that didn't mean Skye wouldn't stop trusting him either. Skye wasn't his concern right now though: Simmons was.

 

He still wasn't sure if he should tell the beautiful biochemist what he'd almost done or not. On one hand, he wouldn't have to feel like an ass for lying to her anymore; but on the other hand, she would he was no better than Ward. She might loose respect for him and, as ridiculous as it was, he cared more about what Simmons thought o him than Skye. Simmons was his light and he wasn't sure he could handle loosing her like Ward had lost Skye. Even Ward said it was the worst thing that could happen.

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

“ _Hey.” Ward almost sounded surprised as Antoine walked into the room./ He always sounded surprised, even though Antoine came by once a week at least._

 

_Antoine nodded at the former specialist, holding up a tray. “Hey man, brought you food.”_

 

“ _Thanks,” muttered Ward, stepping up to the laser grid. Antoine checked that the vault door was locked before deactivating the laser grid and holding out the tray. He didn't actually think Ward would try to escape, but the door being locked was a condition of his visits invoked by Coulson._

 

_Ward took the tray without a word, returning to take a seat on his cot while Antoine grabbed the visitor's chair. It was a routine by now: Ward would eat and Antoine would keep him company. It wasn't something they could do everyday, but ti did help them both feel just a little more comfortable- a little safer._

 

_It wasn't that Antoine didn't trust the others (he did), it was that living with the secret he carried weighing on him made everything feel tense. Well, for him; obviously no one else knew. But with Ward, it was easier knowing they'd been through the same thing._

 

“ _How you holding up?” asked Antoine as he dropped into the familiar hard chair._

 

_Ward shrugged a little, chewing at his food carefully. “I've been better. A lot better.”_

 

“ _Yeah, I'd imagine,” remarked Antoine, shaking his head a bit. “Feeling any better than last time?”_

 

“ _Finally sleeping,” stated Ward with a shrug, picking at his food a little._

 

“ _Hey, that's an improvement,” pointed out Antoine, grinning at him a little. They fell silent then, Ward eating while Antoine tried to work up the nerve to broach the subject he wanted to discuss: Jemma. It wasn't that he didn't talk about Jemma with Ward (women were a pretty common topic between them- mostly Skye), it was what he wanted to talk about concerning Jemma that had him on edge. Namely, he wanted to talk about telling her the truth about who he was._

 

“ _You think too loud,” remarked Ward, drawing Antoine's attention back to the former specialist. Most of the time, it was hard to reconcile this Ward with the incredible man Garrett had always talked about. Especially when Antoine had been wrestling a button out of his arm._

 

“ _What's wrong,” prompted Ward setting aside the now empty try and focusing on Antoine. It was a little unnerving the way Ward seemed almost puppy-like at times, but he knew it was in part because he saw almost no one. No one bothered to ask Ward how he was or anything personal save Antoine and it was slowly eating away at the specialists._

 

_Mentally, Antoine resolved to talk with Skye. “I'm sick of lying to Jemma.”_

 

_Ward's brow furrowed, his head tilting a little to the side. “Lying about what?”_

 

“ _About having been Hydra,” replied Antoine, eyes dropping to his hands. “About everything Garrett did to me- to us. It feels like I'm carrying some massive boulder on my shoulders every time we talk and I'm sick of it.”_

 

“ _So tell her,” stated Ward as if it was just that simple. Which, maybe he thought it was. It didn't take a genius to realize Ward was loosing his mind._

 

“ _I think you hit your head to hard on the laser grid,” remarked Antoine as he continued to stare at Ward in disbelief. “If I tell her, then she'll flip out.”_

 

“ _Or she'll accept you were almost Hydra and just shrug it off,” countered Ward with a shrug._

 

_Antoine snorted; he couldn't help it. The idea was laughable. “Yeah, because that went over so well for you.”_

 

“ _Except you aren't Hydra,” stated Ward in that same, casual tone. “You were trained to be, but you bailed for Simmons.”_

 

“ _And you think that somehow matters,” countered Antoine, his own eyebrow rising in disbelief. “Ward, you are terrible with women.”_

 

“ _Hey, I got May in bed,” reminded Ward, though he sounded more embarrassed (or was it regretful?) than he probably should have. “And I almost had Skye, kind of. That's better thank your record so far.”_

 

“ _I'm pretty sure May had_ you _under her control, not the other way around,” pointed out Antoine. “And almost only counts with hand grenades.”_

 

“ _You know, I said that to Garrett once,” remarked Ward, his face drawing into an uncertain, distant look.”He actually pulled out a grenade and threw it at me. Told me to 'test my theory'. Almost didn't cut it, even with the hand grenade.”_

 

“ _Sounds like something Garrett would have done,” stated Antoine with a touch of a grim smile. Their former SO had been completely nuts. Silence descended again for a long moment before Antoine spoke again. “You really think I should tell Jemma.”_

 

“ _She's your light,” pointed out Ward simply. “You love her. It's only natural you'd want to tell her the truth.” His eyes shifted to the floor then, voice becoming quiet. “I wish I'd told Skye- that she hadn't found out the way she did.”_

 

_Antoine nodded slowly, understanding dawning on him. “You think she wouldn't have left.”_

 

“ _I think she would have saved me,” corrected Ward with a sigh. “I think she might have talked me down. Then maybe I wouldn't be this...person.”_

 

“ _You miss Garrett,” surmised Antoine, nodding slowly. He could understand that- even he had moments when he missed Garrett. Regardless of all else, that man had saved the from not so great (or in Ward's case, down right horrible) situations. He got why Skye couldn't understand, too. How do you explain to someone so strong and determined to stand alone what it's like to feel you can't walk away?_

 

“ _Yeah, I do,” admitted Ward quietly, eyes on the floor. “He was- he saved me, like he saved you. Saved me from my family, from myself. He gave me a place in the world, a mission....something I could keep working towards.”_

 

“ _He was crazy, Grant,” pointed out Antoine quietly. “What he did-” Antoine stopped him then because, honestly, at the time Garrett_ had _been helping him. It was such a blurred line for him, when the helping had become harmful, he couldn't actually say when things had gone bad._

 

“ _He was crazy, but where would we be if he hadn't saved us?” countered Ward in that same confused and lost voice Antoine sometimes felt inside himself. “I'd probably be in jail...”_

 

“ _Which you are, just on completely different charges,” reminded Antoine in a slightly teasing tone. It wasn't meant as a demeaning or derogatory jab, but he felt the need to remind Ward he'd only come around the block and not turned onto a completely different street. Letting go of Garrett would take them both a long time, but reminding each other where they were now could only help.  
_

_Ward shrugged a bit, eyes rising again to meet Antoine's. “Yeah, but at least it wasn't my family who put me here this time. Besides, you're free now.”_

 

_Okay, Antoine had to admit that was true. He’d probably be no better off than Ward was now if he'd kept going the way he had been. “True. But we never should have been here to begin with. We should have both gotten out before it came to this.”_

 

“ _I'm pretty sure I belong here,” muttered Ward with a shake of his head. “I'm not a good guy, Trip. It's like I told Skye-”_

 

“ _Who you'd go to the end of the world to protect,” cut in Antoine. Ward's self-value issues were some of the biggest problems he had/ First he was 'worthless', then he was a weapon. And now, Ward thought he wasn't anything again. He'd never been just a person to himself. That was one of the big things Antoine was working to change, and it was enough to give him a headache. “Look man, good people don't always do good things. Hell, look at my grandfather. He was a Howling Commando who beat the crap out of me for no reason. Just because he was angry. Good people do shitty things sometimes, but you've gotta try to make it right and not do it again. Doing something shitty over and over is what makes you a bad person.”_

 

_Ward laughed at that. It was dry and disbelieving, filled with a sarcasm Antoine had thought only Skye was capable of. “Even Raina, the psycho in a flower dress, called me a monster.”_

 

“ _Not all monsters are bad,” pointed out Antoine with a grin. “Look at Cookie Monster.”_

 

_There was a moment of silence that hung in the room before Ward burst out laughing. “Did you just compare me to a Sesame Street character?”_

 

“ _Hey, at least I didn't use Big Bird,”countered Antoine, his own shoulders shaking from laughter. “With your height, it works!”_

 

_For a moment, both men just laughed. It was something they were both trying to do more of. In particular, Antoine was trying to encourage Ward to laugh more. Get him to feel more like a human and less like a machine._

 

_As the laughter finally died down, Ward turned serious eyes onto Antoine. “If it's bothering you, talk to Simmons. You never betrayed the tea. I doubt she'll turn away from you.”_

 

_Antoine nodded slowly, his own eyes falling uneasily to his hands. “How bad was it? Loosing Skye I mean.”_

 

_Ward visibly winced, turning his face away from the other agent. “It's like having the last stable bit of land torn out from under you.”_

 

“ _That...sounds horrible,” stated Antoine, shaking his head. “Why are you encouraging me to do this.”_

 

“ _Because if she ever finds out you didn't tell her, she'll never forgive you and you'll end up like me,” reasoned Ward with a shrug, shifting around to stand. He picked up his tray silently, passing it over to Antoine before dropping back on his cot. It was Ward's cue that he wanted to sleep/ He still wouldn't come out and say it, but Antoine got the message all the same._

 

“ _Thanks for the help man,” thanked Antoine, standing up with the tray and reactivating the laser grid. He wanted to tell the former agent his plants to speak with Skye, but didn't want to get his hopes up, either. Skye would only come around when she was ready to. “I'll try to come by later this week. Want anything specific?”_

 

_Ward was silent for a moment before he looked hopefully up at Antoine. “Um, a soda?”_

 

“ _Soda, got it,” stated Antoine while trying to hide his grin. One of Garrett's things had been that they had to eat healthy. It was also one of the first rules Antoine broke. Seeing Ward break it now was more of a relief than anyone would ever know. “Sleep well, Grant.”_

 

_Ward yawned a bit and settled on his cot as Antoine started up the stairs towards the door. “Good luck.”_

 

“ _Thanks,” sighed Antoine, shaking his head a bit. “I'm gonna need it.”_

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Throwing one last punch at the bag, Antoine began unwrapping his hands carefully. Ward was right- he needed to tell Jemma how he felt. Even if it turned out horrible, he needed to tell her. To alleviate his guilt, to dispel the secrets between them.

 

Heading to his bag, he dug out his phone and hit speed dial #1.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grant and Skye have their talk.
> 
> Warning: Grant is an abuse victim here. He is NOT in a good mind set. He is NOT mentally healthy and he IS the prevailing POV here. This is written from HIS perspective which means his thoughts are DARK and SELF LOATHING in a way that could be considered disturbing. If you want to skip this chapter, you are welcome to. Please guys:
> 
> DON'T READ THIS IF YOU THINK IT'LL TRIGGER YOU.

“I think we need to talk.”

 

Grant could hardly believe it when Skye walked into the prison; he really thought he was dreaming when she asked to talk. But as she leveled calm, serious eyes at him, there was no doubt in his mind she fully intended for them to have a conversation. And it probably wouldn't be a fun one.

 

Fear began to swirl in the pit of his stomach, but he forced the ill-ease aside. He'd been asking to talk- this was his chance. “What do you want to talk about?”

 

“You,” stated Skye, staring at him with expectant eyes.

 

He didn't know what that meant. 'You' could reference...anything. Did she want him to talk about himself? Garrett? His history with Hydra? His family?

 

Apparently, Skye was either impatient or she realized his conundrum. When he hadn't said anything following her statement, she elaborated. “Garrett.”

 

“Me and Garrett,” stated Grant, half for confirmation and half to buy himself some time. Garrett was...hard. It was one thing to half discuss what Garrett did with Trip, who knew Garrett's tactics from experience, but it was different with Skye. She'd have questions and concerns. She'd need an explanation. And for all he wanted to tell her the truth, he wasn't sure he'd be able to just like that. It was a big task.

 

“You and Garrett,” confirmed Skye calmly, shifting in the seat before the prison. She leaned forward casually, balancing her elbows on her knees, focus intent on him. “Trip said I should talk to you, so talk.”

 

Slowly, Grant nodded, trying to find a place to start. Their story was so long, he couldn't just tell her the whole thing. There were things he couldn't tell her because she wouldn't understand. How could she understand?

 

“Grant.” Her voice held an impatience that almost startled him. She'd never been so impatient with him before. Then again, he'd kind of screwed them all over so he wasn't surprised she didn't feel like being patient. She was giving him a chance to speak, that alone was a gift. He couldn't expect patience too. He didn't deserve it.

 

“Sorry,” murmured Grant, running a hand through his hair shakily. “I'm just, trying to think of where to start.”

 

Skye nodded slowly, taking a deep, calming breath. “Alright, how about you start with when you first met Garrett at the Academy.”

 

“Academy,” repeated Grant with a sigh, his eyes closing as he took in her words. Right, she wouldn't know the truth about that. No one did except Trip. He wasn't sure if that was where he wanted to begin either. Telling her he'd been locked up in Juvie when Garrett found him might make her hate him even more. Then again, he wasn't sure that was possible.

 

“Yeah, the Academy,” confirmed Skye with growing irritation. “You know, the place you got your license to kill from.”

 

Her words made his lips twitch a little. “They don't actually give us licenses to kill, just badges.”

 

“Same thing,” dismissed Skye, though some of the irritation was leaking out of her voice. Good, it would be easier to do this if he didn't feel like some insect she was considering squishing beneath her boot.

 

Taking another deep breath, Grant opened his eyes again and focused on her feet as he spoke. He couldn't look at her as he told her this story. The chance he'd be able to get through this without breaking down was...pretty slim. In the darkness and the silence, he'd had only his demons as company. Only that part of his mind that echoed Skye's declarations of monster, Nazi, and serial killer. Only Tomas' screams and Maynard's laughter. Only the darkness of the well and the screaming of his mother as she beat and berated them; the empty look in their father's eyes as he watched. The tears had started coming again a month into his captivity and now it was hard to keep them at bay at the best of times.

 

This probably wouldn't be one of those.

 

“I didn't meet Garrett at the Academy,” corrected Grant, the touch of tension already present in his voice. It sounded almost horse in his ears, but he knew he had to keep going. This was his one chance to tell her everything and the only way to do that would be to start talking and not stop. Just don't stop. “I met him when I was fifteen. I was in trouble and he saved me. He saved me from my family, prison, everything bad that had been happening up until then. From the horrible family who pretended to be perfect when they were in public. He got me out and he started training me. He said he'd make sure no one ever messed with me again, that he'd make sure I could take care of myself no matter what.”

 

“Ward-” started Skye, though he cut her off with a wave of his hand.

 

“Don't Skye,” stated Grant as firmly as he could, his voice shaking slightly. His eyes rose to her, pleading with her to listen. “If you want to hear this, then you have to let me talk. If I stop, I'm not- this is hard enough and I'm not sure I can start again if I stop.”

 

Skye nodded slowly, reluctantly, leaning back in her chair as her only sign of agreement.

 

Taking a deep breath, Grant dropped his eyes back to the floor and forced himself to begin talking again, not paying attention so much to what he was saying as just getting the words out. “He broke me out Juvie and took me to the woods and left me there. I was in the middle of nowhere with a dog and a bag of things that I'd packed that really wouldn't help in any way.” A dry laugh broke free of his throat. He still couldn't believe he'd done that. That he'd been stupid enough as to not ask where he was going. “He left, saying he'd come back in three months but...but it was more like six. He left me there, alone, for six months with just Buddy. And we survived. We pushed through, stole what we couldn't build or forage, and just focused on staying alive. And we made it. We made it until Garrett showed back up.”

 

His words wavered a bit as the memories began to come back. That day that Garrett showed back up would always be burned into his mind. It was the turning point- the time when he realized Garrett was actually keeping his promise, even if he was late. When he realized he could actually rely on Garrett.

 

“When he showed up and pointed a gun at me, I was admittedly freaked out,” continued Grant, his voice stabilizing as he forced the memories away again. Speak. He needed to speak, not get lost in his own head. “But then he stayed for three weeks and he began to teach me. We camped out and Garrett started teaching me how to shoot. He got me onto a workout schedule, began training me on how to actually _survive_ in the woods. Got me on a schedule and then left again with the assurance that he would be keeping an eye on me to make sure I did what he said. He knew when I wasn't, too. I remember, I got sick at one point and Garrett showed up to find out why I hadn't gotten up to go running like I was supposed to. He got me up and moving. Taught me to push through pain and sickness, anything to get to my goal.”

 

He almost had to laugh at that. The idea that Garrett had just abandoned him repeatedly in the woods still didn't disturb him. He knew it should; Trip had talked to him about it and they agreed that it wasn't normal. It should have been a warning bell for them. But even now, he could only see it as Garrett doing what he'd thought was best. The man had gotten results.

 

“I lived like that for five years,” continued Grant quietly, leaving out much of what happened in that time. Some of it was too raw still- despite how he'd done it, Garrett was still a better father than Grant's own father had been. At least every time Garrett beat him, there was a reason. He'd screwed up and deserved it. “But I got better, stronger. Garrett taught me to fight, taught me how to fend for myself. He made me self-reliant. Made me into a man.”

 

He gulped a little at that point. The next part he actually did need to be a little careful about. If he wasn't, it would sound like he actually  _had_ been loyal to Hydra. “Then he told me about S.H.I.E.L.D. and Hydra. About how S.H.I.E.L.D. had abandoned him and how Hydra had saved him. How Hydra was still working to save him. He was sick, dying, and Hydra was looking for a way to save him. In exchange, he just had to help them take down S.H.I.E.L.D. when the time came. All he had to do was help them come out of the shadows when they were ready to. He didn't mind, S.H.I.E.L.D. had abandoned him so destroying them was just a bonus. It was like Hydra had given him everything he wanted, could ever want. Just like he'd given me everything I ever wanted.”

 

The rest of the words died in his throat. He couldn't keep going, but he hoped he didn't have to. Besides, the rest was in the S.H.I.E.L.D. files. If she wanted to know his history once he joined S.H.I.E.L.D., she could read his file. Not that it really mattered; once he joined SHIELD, he was in hibernation mode. That meant nothing suspicious, do as he was told and nothing less. Earn the trust of those around him but don't trust any of them. Ever. He'd done a pretty good job of that too up until he met Skye. She'd broken him. Her open nature and willingness to trust him made him want to trust her. He had too; he'd opened up to her in a way he hadn't before to anyone, including Garrett.

 

A hiss startled him, drawing his eyes upwards just as the barrier keeping him locked in his cage went down. Skye was standing by the desk visibly shaking and, for a moment, Grant thought she was going to hit him. As she strode up to him, he actually closed his eyes in anticipation of the strike he knew she was going to deliver. There was no excuse for what he'd done, and whatever he'd said to make her mad, well, if hitting him would make her feel better than he'd take it.

 

The fingers that brushed against his cheek were soft, not forceful or solid the way a fist was. Those fingers brushed his skin for a moment, shaking, before he suddenly felt arms engulf him. He didn't dare to open his eyes as Skye's fingers slid up into his hair, as she tucked his head under her chin and just held him. His fingers itched to wrap around her waist and just know she was actually there and that this wasn't some hallucination brought on by his long isolation. It had happened a few times before.

 

“I'm not forgiving you for what you did to us,” spoke up Skye quietly, her words vibrating against his hair. Her fingers slid down his neck, arms settling around his shoulders as she held him. “I can't forgive you yet, Grant.”

 

He understood. Really, he did. He didn't talk about it with anyone except Trip, but Garrett had betrayed him in the end just as everyone else had. The man he'd looked at as his father, who he'd followed to the end of the world, had left him floundering without orders when he needed them most. “I understand.”

 

Skye took a deep breath, her chest expanding under his chin. It was almost comforting to feel her breath like that; it told him she was really there. That he maybe wasn't dreaming or hallucinating like he still suspected he might be. “Did you ever tell anyone about this? About what Garrett did to you?”

 

“No,” whispered Grant, shaking his head slightly. He took a risk and raised his hands to rest on her waist. When she didn't swat him away, he let his hands settle there. “Trip already knew, kind of. Garrett did the same thing with him. Didn't have to tell him.”

 

She nodded against his head, tugging him close and falling silent. He fell silent too, letting it sooth him for once instead of unnerving him. Letting the feel of Skye holding him bring some comfort to his soul. She didn't forgive him, but she wasn't necessarily walking away from him either. She wasn't calling him a liar and walking away. If it was because she believed him or Trip, he couldn't be sure. Either way though, he was grateful.

 

Familiar pressure began to form in the corners of his eyes and he knew tears would follow soon. He hated crying; it made him feel like a child. But something about telling someone else his story, something about telling Skye his story and being  _believed_ for a change, it helped release some of the pressure that always seemed to press against his chest. Regardless though, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop his tears from falling. It had become something he couldn't do anymore, no matter how hard he tried.

 

As the first drops of water fell from the corners of his eyes, he felt Skye shift above him. For a second, he thought she was going to bolt. He was being so weak right then, so pathetic, he wouldn't blame her. She had every right to just abandon him in his cell for his weakness.

 

Her hands gently tilted his head up, thumbs wiping the water from beneath his eyes. She didn't push him away though; didn't bolt from the room. Instead, she leaned forward to press a soft kiss to the side of his head, then lowered his head back to her shoulder and wrapped her arms back around his body. Her message was silent, but he understood loud and clear: for now, she would hold him as he fell apart.

 

So he let himself fall.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jemma gets an early morning phone call and a truth she was never expecting.

It was too early for the phone to be ringing. That was Jemma's first thought as she collected her buzzing phone from her nightstand. Much too early. Not that she wasn't already awake- of course she was. She had work soon.

 

A glance at the screen though revealed the call was from an unlisted number. It was one she knew though- one she knew all too well. She accepted the call after a second, worry seeping into her mind. “Hello?”

 

“Jemma.” greeted Trip softly, his voice a deep rumble. She had never admitted it to anyone, but she loved his voice. It soothed her like a blanket. “What's up, girl?” There was an edge to his voice, one that made her uneasy. He almost sounded nervous.

 

“Just waking up,” replied Jemma as nonchalantly as she could. “What are you still doing awake? It must be late there.”  
  


“I was working out,” dismissed Trip easily, though the anxiety in his voice was rising. “Started thinking about you, so I thought I'd give you a call. See what was up.”

 

The last part was a lie. She could hear it plainly in his voice. “You're lying Trip. What's happened? You sound worried.”

 

“Nothing's happened Jem,” assured Trip quickly, though she could hear his unease creeping in. It almost sounded like anxiety. “Really, I called to talk.”

 

She still didn't believe him. Something was obviously wrong if he was calling her. He'd been given pretty strict orders before she left to limit calls. Not that he'd been told why that was, just that calling her could place her in danger. He'd complied so far without issue, so that begged the question of what had happened that had him so anxious to speak with her that he'd violate a direct order. “So what did you want to talk about?”  
  


“Just whatever,” stated Trip. His shrug was audible, as was the forced nature of his casual gesture. He was tense about something and it was making her uneasy. Whatever he'd called for though, he was trying to clearly delay explaining. She hated delay tactics.

 

“You called for a purpose Trip, I can hear it in your voice,” stated Jemma, using her best firm 'I'm not going to put up with this bush beating' tone. It usually didn't work with him, but she could try it all the same. “What's wrong.”

 

To her amazement, Trip released a resigned sigh. She could hear him moving around for a moment before he appeared to settle down. At least, he got quieter. “Jem, I've gotta tell you something, but I need you to promise to hear me out, okay? You're probably gonna hate me, but just let me try to explain. Please.”

 

Ice slithered down Jemma's spine, prompting her to shoot all the way up in her bed. What could Trip wish to discuss that came with such a dire warning? Thoughts of Fitz dying in an accident or Skye being shot again because Trip didn't protect her raced through her mind. But those weren't things she would blame Trip for. Their jobs came with risks. Maybe he'd been badly injured himself. Maybe he was dying. Oh god, what if he was dying?

 

“Jemma?” called out Trip, his voice filled with clear worry. “You there?”

 

“I'm here,” assured Jemma in a quiet murmur, forcing the dreadful thoughts from her mind. “But Trip, you're scaring me a bit.”

 

The quiet 'shit' probably wasn't supposed to be audible, but she heard it all the same. “I don't mean to scare you, Jem. I just- I'm- I haven't really _talked_ to anyone about this. Coulson knows and so do Skye and Grant, but no one else.”

 

Jemma felt her mood darken at the mere mention of their ex-teammate. It did beg the question of what Trip may have told the man, though. And if he'd told Ward, it had to have been something from before this all happened. She couldn't see Trip being friendly with Ward after everything that had happened. It just wasn't possible. “Whatever it is Trip, it can't be that bad.”

 

Trip really did laugh that time. It was cold and dry, bitter. Almost disconnected in a way that made her shiver. “Trust me, Jem, it's that bad.”

 

She couldn't help the disbelieving sound that came from her throat. No, she didn't believe that. Trip was good. He had protected her from Hand, looked after her when they escaped the Hub,. Whatever this was just couldn't be that bad. “Antoine, I doubt-”  


“Garrett turned me Hydra.” His rushed words were almost indistinguishable. It was only her years of learning to understand quick speech because of Fitz that allowed her to pick apart Trip's verbal spew.

 

Blood drained from her face; it was a palpable sensation.  _No. No, no, no, Trip couldn't have been Hydra. He has to be kidding. This has to be a twisted joke._ “That isn't funny, Trip.”

 

“It's not supposed to be,” stated Trip quietly, his voice pained as if he expected her to snap at him. To yell. She should yell, too. Should shout at him for making up stories. For trying to scare her.

 

But Garrett had been his SO> The man had been training him. And Trip and Ward...well, there were definite similarities there. She'd always assumed it was because they were both specialists, but what if it was because they had been trained in the same way? If it was because they were similar people, not because they had the same profession?

 

“Jem? You still there?” Trip's voice sounded scared and just a touch hollow, like he'd assumed she'd given up already. “You said you'd let me explain baby girl.”

 

_Baby girl_ . He usually only called her that when he was worried about her. It was rare and if she didn't currently feel like she'd been hit in the stomach, she would have relished the rare event. She needed to respond with something, though. Bloody hell, she needed tea for this conversation.

 

“I'm here.” The words were harder to force out than they should have been. Standing, she headed from her bed on shaky legs for the kitchen, waiting in silent hope that Trip would explain. Praying he had a good reason, something she could use to forgive him. 

 

“Good,” sighed Trip, relief present in his voice. “You scared me for a minute.”

 

“You said you wanted to explain,” reminded Jemma quietly as she shakily set her kettle on the stove. “So explain.”

 

“Right,” muttered Trip quietly, a heavy sigh echoing across the line. “Alright, so, um....” He fell silent for a moment, as if he were debating what to say. It wasn't a comfortable silence either, broken occasionally by a frustrated noise form Trip.

 

Jemma tried to be patient, she really did, but when the kettle began whistling and Trip was still silent, she gave up. “Maybe you should start with why you, of all people, joined Hydra.”

 

“Of all people?” echoed Trip, the confusion evident in his voice.

 

“Your grandfather was a howling commando,” reminded Jemma, her brow furrowing. Could he have forgotten that part? Or was that a lie?

 

The unhappy noise Trip made said he hadn't forgotten. It was the same noise she knew would accompany the grim look that crossed his face when his grandfather came up. “Trust me, Jem, that didn't discourage me.”

 

She almost recoiled at the acid in his dark words. Everything she'd ever heard about the Howling Commandos was good. So why did Trip sound so bitter? “I don't understand.”

 

Trip's sigh spoke volumes. “My granddad was a good man when I was younger. I kinda even remember him smiling a few times.” There was a bitter tone that lined his words though, promising something had gone wrong. “Then he started changing, getting mean. When I had to go live with them, well, things got bad. I started doing anything I could to avoid going home.” Again, he paused and Jemma could clearly hear his deep intake of breath. “I fell in with some bad people when I was about eleven or twelve, classic shit. Except when I got caught, it was Garrett who pulled me out of the fryer. He beat the crap out of the cops who were about to nail me and then convinced my grandparents who let him 'set me straight'. They agreed and I did it just to get away.”

 

Jemma tried not to make any noise as she poured herself a cup of tea and carefully sat on her couch. Her head was nearly spinning as Trip's words sank in. Garrett had gotten to Trip when he was a teenager. A child who couldn't know what was coming. “How old were you when you met Garrett?”  


“Fifteen,” replied Trip quietly. “Same age as Grant. I was Garrett's second recruit, Grant was the first.”

 

That was like a punch to the stomach. Grant Ward, the man Jemma hated most in the world right now, had gotten mixed up with Garrett at fifteen? “How did that even happen?”  


“Garrett targeted kids like us, I think,” admitted Trip, his voice almost sounding guilt. As if he thought it was his fault Garrett had targeted him. “He sprang Grant from Juvie and save me from getting picked up by the police. He placed us in his debt, then left us alone in the woods with nothing to fend for ourselves. Only human contact we had was him. Well, only human contact I had was him. Grant had a dog, but apparently after he wouldn't shoot it, Garrett decided that tactic didn't work.”

 

Horror settled in the pit of Jemma's stomach. Just the thought of what Garrett had done made her want to gag. She had read all about Stockholm Syndrome in her studies and what Garrett had done would definitely foster that sort of psychological devotion. That he'd subjected two teenage boys to those condition though... “What about your grandparents? And Grant's parents? Didn't they wonder where you were? Didn't they look for you two?”

 

“Mine thought I was at military school,” stated Trip and she could hear that bitter edge again. The frustration with everything that had happened. The betrayal. “And Grant, I don't know. He doesn't talk about his family though. Garrett didn't make them sound that bad, but if Garrett got him...”

 

“They probably were,” murmured Jemma as she pulled her legs up to her chest. The urge to hug both Trip and Ward was sharper than she'd expected given she wasn't particularly happy with Sward at the moment. Still, it did beg one question. “But if you were both Hydra sleeper agents, then why didn't you change side while Ward did?”  


“Grant was more invested,” stated Trip simply. “I don't know why, but when he and Garrett would interact, it felt like Grant looked up to Garrett. Treated the man like his father rather than his SO.”

 

Well, that explained that then. If Trip was right about Grant's family, then the man may have seen Garrett as some sort of surrogate father. The loyalty made sense then. But it didn't answer her question. “And you?”  


“Me?” repeated Trip as if she couldn't tell what she wanted to know. He knew of course. The way he was avoiding her question was blatant.

 

“Yes, you,” confirmed Jemma as gently as she could given she felt like a bomb had just been dropped in her lap and diffused. “Why didn't you leave, too?”

 

Again, Trip was silent for a long moment. This one wasn't as long as before though, more of a fortifying silence than a lost one. “You.”

 

Jemma felt her heart momentarily stop. Her? She was the reason he didn't turn? But that made no sense. “Me? But you barely know me.”

 

“I know,” admitted Trip quietly. “It was probably really stupid, but at the Hub, when I went to the lab to grill you and see what you knew for Garrett...all I wanted to do was protect you. You looked so beautiful and you're so smart, I was just captivated. And you actually wanted to _talk_ to me. It wasn't something I was used to. Then the Hydra announcement came and I just knew I couldn't turn my back on you. If you'd turned out to be Hydra. I would have stayed for you. I just knew I couldn't let you get hurt.”

 

Her throat felt dry as she tried to say something, anything in response. But her mind was blank as if someone had erased every clear thought from her head. No words would come to mind.

 

“Look, I know it's a lot to take in,” stated Trip quietly, his voice as drained as Jemma felt. “But that's the truth, all of it, in as much detail as I can stand to give.” He took a deep breath then, as if bracing himself. “I just hope you don't hate me.”  


“I don't!” stated Jemma quickly, determined to force any doubt on that matter from his head. “I could never hate you, Trip. I'm just- I need some time to process this.”

 

“Right,” muttered Trip in clear exhaustion. “Process it.”

 

“Mhm,” hummed Jemma in what she hoped was a reassuring way. “And you need sleep. I can hear it in your voice.”  


“Yeah,” admitted Trip quietly. “Probably wouldn't hurt.”  


'Definitely not,” murmured Jemma as gently as she could. She needed time to think- that was true. At the end of this, she didn't hate Trip because he didn't go through with it like Ward had. Trip hadn't tried to kill them. “Go sleep, Antoine. I promise I'll call first chance I get.”

 

“Swear?” asked Trip in such a heartbreakingly hopeful voice, Jemma knew she would even if she were angry with him.

 

“I promise,” assured Jemma softly. “Now, I must get on with things. Go and sleep.”  


“Yes ma'am,” joked Trip, though the words fell flat in the end. “Take care of yourself baby girl, and remember, I'm just a phone call away.”  


“Thank you Trip,” whispered Jemma quietly. “Goodnight.”

 

“night,” answered Trip around a massive yawn.

 

It was Jemma who hung up the phone- she knew it had to be. Trip never liked to hang up, which make a lot more sense now. That didn't change the way her heart was breaking for the man though. Just the thought of a teenage Trip in Garrett's hands made her stomach churn. And to know the same had happened to Ward...

 

Yet Trip had left, for her of all people. He'd left because he wanted to protect her from Hydra.

 

Unbidden, her eyes rose to the hall closet where her work jacket hung. Guilt echoed through her chest at the thought of that jacket and its ominous logo. He'd left Hydra to keep her safe...

 

...and she'd walked right into the hornets' nest.


	5. Chapter 5

Trip didn't bother to hide the drag of his steps as he entered Vault D, too nervous to bother and just a touch too depressed to care. Not that Ward wouldn't figure out something was wrong even if he did try to hide it. The man was scary observant at times- more so than even Trip himself, and he'd depended on his ability to read body language in his youth. Then again, Ward probably had, too. When you grew up like they did, it was necessary for survival. But unlike in their youth, Ward would probably ask what was wrong. And maybe laugh at him for being as stupid as he was being.

 

Logically, he knew Jemma probably wouldn't contact him immediately. How could she? She had her life right now that didn't involve him. She was trying to have a life of her own. Trying to get away from SHIELD. Talking to him was probably the last thing on her mind at the moment. It didn't make waiting for her call any easier though, especially knowing she could change her mind. Knowing she might decide to hate him after all.

 

Across the laser grid that split the room, Trip watch Ward roll into a croutch from where he'd been doing sit-ups on the hard ground. He made a mental note to see about getting the man a book or something else to do/ The last few times he'd been down, it seemed like all Ward had been doing was working out. That couldn't be healthy.

 

“Hey,” greeted Ward. Though he chose to drop back on the floor rather than stand. Trip suspected that was to keep from looking dangerous to anyone watching the security cameras. Instead, he crossed one leg in front of his boot and nodded to the food in Antoine's hands. “Does Coulson know you're bringing me something above part ot eat?”  
  


Glancing down at the tray, Antoine just shrugged a little. He'd taken the liberty of bringing Ward the soda he'd asked for along with a bag of chips to accompany the stew he'd taken out of the freezer. It probably was a step above whatever Ward was normally eating, but he didn't care. He was pretty sure Ward's little talk with Skye had taken more out of him than he'd wanted to admit. “Who said it was for you?”

 

“I'm assuming it is since you don't usually eat lunch in Vault D,” countered Ward with a shrug, though there was exhaustion in the gesture.

 

Foregoing any further teasing, Trip deactivated the laser grid and held out the tray to Ward with routine ease. “I saw you had a visitor. How did that go?”

 

“Better than I thought it would,” admitted Ward quietly as he took the tray from Trip and shifted to balance it on his legs. “She didn't punch me, so I'm counting that as an improvement.”

 

“Slightly,” confirmed Trip, smirking a bit. There was no power behind the action though. “Doesn't mean she won't still take the chance if you give ti to her.”

 

Ward casually flipped him off in the same move with which he opened the soda. Trip laughed. Taking a bite of the strew, the former specialist gestured vaguely towards Trip, raising an eyebrow curiously. It would have looked like a spastic, uncoordinated motion to continue if Trip hadn't gone through the same training as Ward. He recognized the meaning behind Ward's flailing immediately.

 

Settling back in the chair. Trip tried not to think of his silent cellphone resting in his pocket. It was hard to think of what to seven say concerning the woman he'd give up everything for. “Honestly, I don't know how it went. She hasn't called me back.”

 

“Called?” asked Ward once he'd swallowed his food. Raising an eyebrow as he took another sip of stew.

 

“Yeah,” confirmed Trip, shifting uneasily. “She kinda left. Said she needed a break.”

 

“After you told her?” asked Ward with clear alarm. “Um, that's not a good sign.”

 

“I know that man,” assured Trip, shaking his head a bit. “I just don't know how to fix it.”

 

“Do you know where she is?” questioned Ward curiously. “Maybe you can go get her.”

 

One of Trip's eyebrows shot up in disbelief. “Do I need to remind you how badly that went when you tried it with Skye?”  
  


 

“I didn't kidnap her,” grumbled Ward, looking down at his food. “She came willingly with me.”

 

“Yeah, but you did deceive her over where you were going,” pointed out Trip, waving his hand around a bit for emphasis. “Besides, Coulson won't tell me. She's been gone for months off somewhere 'taking a break' and Coulson refuses to tell me where or why. Jemma won't tell me either, for that matter.”

 

“Wait, so she was already gone when you told her?” asked Ward, pausing with his soda halfway to his lips as he blinked at Trip. “Please say you didn't tell her over the phone.”

 

“She's been gone man, how else was I supposed to tell her?” countered Trip irritably, scowling a bit at Ward. The ex-agent's response was to throw his pillow at Trip. “What?”

 

 

“You never tell a woman something like that over the phone,” stated Ward in an exasperated older-brother tone. “It's like breaking up by text message.”

 

Trip wondered if he'd picked up the tone from his time as an older brother or if it was something he'd developed later. From what Ward said, he hadn't had a chance to actually be a good big brother, so it was a little hard to see him using the sage tone with any of his siblings. Then again, it was possible he'd had opportunities, too. Mostly they'd talked about the bad things in their lives before, not the good. It was something they might want to consider changing too, now that they weren't with Hydra and all. Most of the time, it felt like they bonded over the bad things because Garrett brought them up, a lot. Sometimes Trip suspected it was the older man's mission to make both boys feel as indebted to him as possible. Which, now that he'd had a chance to consider how he'd been treated by Garrett better, Trip suspected might have been the intent.

 

Sighing, Trip rubbed his head as he considered Ward's words. The man probably did have a point about a phone call not being the best way to deal with this, but he was pretty sure he'd have lost his nerve if he waited, too. Looking at Jemma's face would have made him swallow his words to protect her. Besides, at least he'd told her.

 

Picking up the pillow at his feet, he fiddled with it a bit. “I don't know if I should call her or what.”

 

“You have her number still?” asked Ward, raising an eyebrow in surprise.

 

Trip countered with an eye brow raise of his own. “Obviously, man. I'm not gonna throw it away.”

 

“I more meant, she might have changed it after you told her,” explained Ward, giving Trip a sad look. “It tends to happen.”

 

Ice slid down Trip's back. He hadn't even considered the idea that she might have changed her number. What if she had? He'd never find her unless Skye got involved and the hacker wouldn't. “Shit.”

 

Setting the tray aside. Ward leaned forward and leveled a look at Trip. “Try the old number and see if you get through. It's better than not knowing. Besides, you gave her to truth. There's nothing you can do to change who you were.”

 

“Dude, that was deep,” muttered Trip as he pulled out his phone and selected Jemma's number. “I'm gonna try her right-”

 

“Trip!” Skye's rapid, soft voice cu through the room. She appeared a moment later on the stairs, leaning around to stick her head into the vault. “AC needs you. Now. His exact words.”

 

Trip noticed the way Ward perked up almost immediately, standing up with that awe-struck look he always seemed to have around Skye. It made Trip almost want to laugh. Seeing that look on the ex-specialist would always be amusing.

 

“On my way, Skye.” assured Trip, standing from the chair and passing the tablet to her as he pocked his phone. “The grid's down, Ward's eating.”

 

He could sense the way Skye stiffened, but, to her credit, she didn't put the wall back up. Instead, she settled into the chair he'd just vacated. As he turned and darted into the stairwell to head up, he caught the beginning of their conversation, and it made him grin.

 

“So Robot, how many push-up's have you bothered doing today?”


End file.
